As some people who've come across my life, those few who know more than the average joe,
Those who've made it into one of my trust circles, may know a little bit about my life story.
More specifically, since being at college. My love life story. Well besides some great date stories, (not because the guys themselves were great but the stories are great).
There will likely have to be different episodes. Or installments of this story, because it's deep, and at times confusing without enough detail.
I was the type that many would label as shy. I tended not to talk to anyone at school, avoiding conversations with people I didn't know well. I mostly only became friends with my roommates who lived with me at the time. So I didn't talk to people and I didn't get asked out. (You usually have to talk to others for them to even want to ask you out.)
I went through my freshman year unscathed by the awkwardness of dating and the social implications that accompanied it. As my freshman year ended I realized prematurely as most LDS singles do, that I had no experience dating. I didn't put myself out there at all. I wanted to date but I never went to any functions where I could get a date or be asked out on one. For some reason though I wanted desperately to have a boyfriend. Especially for the summer.
And to get one I knew I had to at least participate in as many activities as possible. So the men could get to know me.
At first this was difficult, being socially impaired by my homebody lifestyle. But I started going to others apartments to hang out or watch movies and I found a new sense of energy found where others are. Interacting and getting to know people was quite fascinating and energizing at times. Like a snowball, that energy picked up, I got asked out more frequently and I gained confidence as I increased my options.
Me and a friend were playing ping pong one day as I was trying to be seen and active in my surroundings. Along came a fellow who I knew as Smalls. He just watched our match. My friend was done playing me and force handed him the paddle. He played me and I may have won a game or two.
Then we went our separate ways. Other small encounters with him happened and we started dating. We dated for quite a short while when I liked what I saw. I was terrified because he was my first boyfriend. I couldn't help but love his character and the depth he had to him, that I hadn't been able to find in any guys I'd even talked to. He was so much fun to be with and talk to and our values were on the same page.
I made him wait to kiss me until I knew that I loved him.
I am still so proud of that wisdom.
I wanted to marry him and he wanted to marry me.
It was perfect.
Except one big problem.
My mom knew what I needed to do in this life because she knew what my patriarchal blessing said.
And I wanted desperately to do the right thing. I had been praying for weeks to get that confirmation of the spirit. But what I got instead was the 'I trust you' response from Him. So, I made up my own answer I was going to marry Stephen. My mom pulled me aside a few weeks later and made me read my patriarchal blessing with her and my father. I knew what I had to do. I knew I was supposed to serve a mission, that a small part of me wanted to. But, I didn't want to break the man I loveds heart.
And it broke mine.
The hardest thing I had ever done, to break a heart that I loved, knowingly.
He didn't take it well. The months that insued showed desperation at times on both of our hearts.
The Lord helped me do what had to be done but it hurt so much and I cried myself to sleep many nights.
I didn't get married at 19. I waited two years before I could serve a mission at the age of 21. I went back to him a few times in the meantime. At times to cheer him up and at others to cheer me up. He was and is irresistible. I didn't give him any hope of us getting back together.
I didn't get married at 19. I had to fulfill my promises from the pre existence to the Lord and to those I would teach in Brazil. I had to live with no regrets. And not serving when I knew I was called to would have eaten at me. That was my promise and I had to fulfill it.
My plan from entering college was to go on a mission and graduate college all before I got married.
I honestly can say that getting married to Stephen at 19 I may have finished my degree but my chances would have been super slim. Finaces were tight and would've remained tight if we married in 2010. Knowing me I would have dropped out to keep him in school. Since he would be the provider.
And obviously, I would not have went on a mission and opened up myself to others.
That's the first installment of this story. Shortened as much as possible.
